MYSHORTLEASH

Hercules, the yelling chihuahua

2010-12-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

"My name is Hercules and this is my story...ENJOY IT!"

Once upon a time there was a tiny chihuahua named Hercules. Well actually he's my dog. He's still very much alive. He likes to yell. This is mini documentary about his yelling. He has a foul mouth. You have been warned.

Hercules is so little that he feels threatened and therefore has "little man" syndrome...this causes him to overreact to many everyday situations such as meal times.

"DOG EAT DOG IS JUST AN EXPRESSION ASSHOLE!!! PISS OFF !!!"

Sometimes he likes to go for rides in the car.

"HEY! HEY! LET"S GET THIS SHOW IN THE ROAD! I AIN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER!"

Sometimes he likes to tell jokes.

"DID YOU HEAR THAT ONE ABOUT THE ONE-LEGGED HOOKER? HER NAME WAS ILENE...BAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

He loves summer and likes to camp and fish and do all that fun summer shit.

"HEY HOSE MONKEY! DO I LOOK LIKE A TROUT TO YOU?!"

He really enjoys spending time with his good friend Atticus.

"CAN ATTICUS COME OUT AND PLAY!?"

"HEY ATTICUS!!! LET'S GO FOR A RIDE!"

"I SAID LEFT YOU ASS PUCK! LEFT! LEFT! TURN AROUND!!!!!!"

"OH YEAH!? WELL FUCK YOU TOO YOU WHITE SEAL LOOKING DICK HEAD!"

"OH YEAH? WELL YOU DRIVE WORSE THAN MY GREAT GRANDMA!"

He enjoys dressing nice so he can pick up bitches on the weekends.

"THESE ARE DOLCE AND GABBANA BITCHES. DON'T HATE"

Occasionally he will drink too much and wake up with his bitch's clothes on. He doesn't find it as funny as everyone else.

"HA HA, VERY FUNNY MOTHER FUCKERS!"

Sometimes he even gets in an argument with his bitch about who looks the best!

"NO, YOU DON'T LOOK BETTER THAN ME!" "BITCH PLEASE, I LOOK BETTER THAN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!"

He really likes to rip it up on his long board!

"HEY TONY HAWK! YOU'RE OLD!"

He comforts his friends when they are ill.

"THEY'RE GONNA STICK A THERMOMETER UP YOUR ASS! BAH HA HA!"

He is in the National Guard and loves to teach others some discipline.

"ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME? WELL, ARE YOU? THEN QUIT, YOU SLIMY FUCKING WALRUS-LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT! GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY OBSTACLE! GET THE FUCK DOWN OFF OF MY OBSTACLE! NOW! MOVE IT! OR I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF, SO YOU CANNOT CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE WORLD!"

He really likes to order take out. However sometimes it's scary.

"XIANGROU? WHAT IS THAT? DOG MEAT!? YOU SERVE DOG MEAT? WHAT? THE? FUCK? I JUST WANTED SOME POT STICKERS!"

He really, really, really LOVES birthday parties!

"HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD FUCK!"

"PLEASE GIVE ME A HOTTIE TO HUMP TONIGHT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HOLLA!"

"WHO SAID WISHES DON'T COME TRUE?!"

"HELLO? STRIP-O-GRAM? MY FRIEND'S GETTING IMPATIENT AND I AM SURE AS HELL NOT GETTING NAKED FOR HIM!"

"DON'T EVEN THINK OF TOUCHING MY CAKE DOUCHE WAD. YOU WILL PULL BACK A BLOODY STUMP IF YOU DO!

"CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! OHMYGODILOVECAKE! HEY.......WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?"

He especially enjoys celebrating the holidays.

"WHO THE HELL INVITED THE PILGRIMS!? SERIOUSLY? WELL THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO SANTA? THERE IS TOO! MOM! MOOOOMMMMM!!!!"

"HEY START THE FIREWORKS ALREADY SO I CAN WATCH MY BROTHERS PISS ON THEMSELVES!"

"MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS MOTHER FUCKERS!"

"THAT EGGNOG HAD WHAT IN IT? RUM? WHAT'S RUM? I CAN'T FEEL MY TONGUE. DOTH ANYONE HAF ANY BREAFMINTHS?"

"WHERE'S MY GODDAMN PRESENT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I ATE IT? THAT LITTLE BISCUIT WAS MY PRESENT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

He loves to play outside.

"HEY, LET'S GO BUILD A SNOWDOG AND PUT BALLS AND A WIENER ON HIM! BAH HA HA!"

Once in a while he makes a bad choice.

"I DID WHAT LAST NIGHT? OHMYGOD WHAT A DOG!"

He's actually just a little disrespectful dickhead at times.

"I SAID YOUR MOMMA IS AN UGLY BITCH! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!"

It's not easy for him to juggle his busy lifestyle!

"OHMYGOD WHO LIT THESE MOTHER FUCKERS ON FIRE!?"

He definitely uses his small stature to his advantage.

"HEY LADY! YOU REALLY SHOULD PUT ON SOME PANTIES! THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT. EVER HEAR OF A RAZOR?"

Sometimes it's just another day in the life of Herc the jerk.

"SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT. I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I? I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE, EVERYTHING YOU SAY BOUNCES OFF ME AND STICKS ON YOU!"

Sometimes his mouth get's him in deep water. Literally. (PS: the water was drained completely so don't freak out.)

"HEY! HELLO? WHEN I SAID I WAS FEELING A LITTLE FLUSHED I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY. UM...HELP?"

He likes to experience different cultures.

"IMMA GO HANG IN DA HOOD IN MY HOODIE...HOPE NOBODY POPS A CAP IN MY ASS FOR WEARING THIS OUTFIT"

Prank calls are fun!


"HELLO, PEST CONTROL? MY BROTHER'S A PEST. CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE OVER?"

He loves to act in local theater productions.

"HA HA HA! I AIN'T "LION" I JUST HUMPED TOTO! WE AIN'T IN KANSAS ANYMORE!

He runs his own business.

"ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING BUY SOMETHING OR JUST STAND THERE LOOKING LIKE A DIP FUCK, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A BIG SELECTION HERE!"

Sometimes he even yells at ME!

"HEY! I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP HERE! COULD YOU TURN STAR WARS DOWN A LITTLE? AND QUIT QUOTING EVERY LINE, FUCKING NERD"

He pretty much likes to boss everybody.

"HEY! YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE DUMB ASS! SERIOUSLY..."

He has idols.

"I PITY THE FOOL..."

Sometimes his insults just fall short.

"OH YEAH? WELL YOU'RE UGLY AND YOUR MOMMA DRESSES YOU FUNNY TOO!"

Once in a while his mouth really does get him in trouble...in more ways than one.

"ooooowww...oooohhhh....gaaaaahhhhhh....who turned off the lights"

"I SWEAR I WAS FRAMED!"

But in the end he is actually just the cutest sweetest chihuahua he can be.

"All that yelling made me tired...hope you liked my story :)"

My Red Ass Sock Monkey

2010-11-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

Ah Christmas. Being a child. It's magical. Well not all the time. Sometimes it sucks, especially when you don't get what you want. I always loved stuffed animals and books, probably more so since my mother threw out our little black and white television. Literally. She chucked that fucker out the door one day...but I digress, that is another story.

CHILD ABUSE!!!

So back to the animals with stuffing guts. I was a tough little tomboy child and rarely ever cried but I had a soft spot for my toy animals. My sister, who knew this used to torment me and beat them up much to my absolute horror! I was positive they could feel her fists and I would scream at the top of my lungs in anger at her to stop it.

POW! POW! POW!

She finally did when she got bored of my ear piercing screams and then she just kicked them, laughed and walked away. I don't think she ever forgave me for pooping in her kitchen set when I was two and this was her payback. I WAS TWO! Get over it.

STUPID BITCH SISTER

So I would be left comforting all my animals, my sheepdog, Bently, my pooh bears, raggedy Ann and Andy and my prize possession, my monkey, Watusi. I knew they were all crying inside and I just wanted to make them feel better. Stupid bitch sister.

POOR POOR POOH...

Well this Christmas I was going to ask for a real monkey. A pet monkey. One that my sister couldn't beat up. One that could kick HER ass. I was pretty sure I could take care of one. So I went to the mall, sat on Santa's lap and whispered in his hairy ear: "I just want a pet monkey...one that can kick my sister's ass." Okay, I didn't really say the last part but I THOUGHT it, I WISHED for it! An ass kicking monkey that could throat punch her at my command.

SANTA SMELLS LIKE BEER

That's it. I was set. Christmas morning arrived and I ran up the stairs to look for my new pet. I was so excited! This was going to be the best present ever! My eager face quickly turned to disappointment as I approached the tree and saw what was lying underneath with my name on it.

"A PET MONKEY!"

Oh it was a monkey alright. A red ass sock monkey! A RED ASS SOCK MONKEY? Really? SCREW YOU SANTA! I hope a real monkey flings poo at you and all of your reindeer crap in your boots. You can take this sock monkey and cram it up your own red ass! Well before anyone else got up I ripped the head off and made it a DEAD ASS sock monkey. Then I went and woke my mom up and told her my sister did it. Merry Christmas!

"Kiss my red ass!"

Mowing red balls

2010-11-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

I like yard work. I like red balls. I mean red rubber playground balls, the kind you used to play with in elementary school. They're fun.

"FUN!"

Somehow one ended up in my backyard. I didn't question it I just cherished it. I loved my red rubber ball. I played with it, took photos of it and even washed the chihuahua pee pee off of it. After a while I could see it was getting sun bleached and so I even put lotion on it. Not really. I just put water on it to make it all shiny red again and not faded pink.

"SHINY!"

Anyway, one day I was out mowing my yard and the red ball was in my path. I have a few balls in my yard, a couple of golf balls, a purple wiffle ball and even a marball. I mean marble. Whatever. I don't run over any of them with my mower because that might not be a good idea with the rotating blade and small dogs running around.

VROOOOM!

I run over the apples and pears that fall off my trees and let me tell you, they don't fair well. Well I figured since the red ball was so big I could just nudge it out of the way and continue on my grass cutting way. I gently nudged it. It moved a tiny bit but was still in my way. I nudged it again. It moved a little more but not quite enough to be completely out of my way. So I nudged it one more time.

NUDGE. NUDGE. NUDGE...

BAD idea. BAD. The lawnmower seemed to take on a life of its own and like a hungry mouth opening, jumped up and gulped down my big red rubber ball in one chomp. KAPOWIE BLAMMO!!! Holy shit!!!! I almost peed, shit my pants and fainted right there. What a scary fucking noise! My ball had exploded and was scattered around the yard in pieces. My lawnmower quit with a big grumble and puff of black smoke.

"SCARY!"

That cannot be a good sign. Shit. My ears were ringing and my hands were shaking and I am sure my eyes were big as saucers! WOW. Lesson learned. Do not try to move any air filled object out of your lawn mowing path with the actual mower. It took me a few minutes to convince the mower to start again and about a week to recover all my ball's parts.

"SIGH..."

I cannot believe schools allow children to play with these things.

:)