Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Red Ass Sock Monkey

Ah Christmas. Being a child. It's magical. Well not all the time. Sometimes it sucks, especially when you don't get what you want. I always loved stuffed animals and books, probably more so since my mother threw out our little black and white television. Literally. She chucked that fucker out the door one day...but I digress, that is another story.

CHILD ABUSE!!!

So back to the animals with stuffing guts. I was a tough little tomboy child and rarely ever cried but I had a soft spot for my toy animals. My sister, who knew this used to torment me and beat them up much to my absolute horror! I was positive they could feel her fists and I would scream at the top of my lungs in anger at her to stop it.

POW! POW! POW!

She finally did when she got bored of my ear piercing screams and then she just kicked them, laughed and walked away. I don't think she ever forgave me for pooping in her kitchen set when I was two and this was her payback. I WAS TWO! Get over it.

STUPID BITCH SISTER

So I would be left comforting all my animals, my sheepdog, Bently, my pooh bears, raggedy Ann and Andy and my prize possession, my monkey, Watusi. I knew they were all crying inside and I just wanted to make them feel better. Stupid bitch sister.

POOR POOR POOH...

Well this Christmas I was going to ask for a real monkey. A pet monkey. One that my sister couldn't beat up. One that could kick HER ass. I was pretty sure I could take care of one. So I went to the mall, sat on Santa's lap and whispered in his hairy ear: "I just want a pet monkey...one that can kick my sister's ass." Okay, I didn't really say the last part but I THOUGHT it, I WISHED for it! An ass kicking monkey that could throat punch her on my command.


SANTA SMELLS LIKE BEER

That's it. I was set. Christmas morning arrived and I ran up the stairs to look for my new pet. I was so excited! This was going to be the best present ever! My eager face quickly turned to disappointment as I approached the tree and saw what was lying underneath with my name on it.

"A PET MONKEY!"

Oh it was a monkey alright. A red ass sock monkey! A RED ASS SOCK MONKEY? Really? SCREW YOU SANTA! I hope a real monkey flings poo at you and all of your reindeer crap in your boots. You can take this sock monkey and cram it up your own red ass! Well before anyone else got up I ripped the head off and made it a DEAD ASS sock monkey. Then I went and woke my mom up and told her my sister did it. Merry Christmas!

"Kiss my red ass!"


3 comments:

  1. I love that the difference between grown-up Nette and child Nette is just that your hair was longer as a kid :)

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